yay honesty

so another honest moment from me: beau and i are living together again :) him and i have moved upstairs and my dad has moved downstairs in my old room. so far it's going very well, a lot better than last time. because we have more room (basically like a studio apartment, just our kitchen and bathroom is downstairs) we were able to really create our own spaces. in my room last year it was waaay too small and we had just started dating at that point as well. here we are a year later and we know each other a lot more and better. so i'm happy and he's happy and we are good :)

an update about my faith

so i realize that i haven't written a blog in quite awhile. mostly due to laziness, business, and fear. yes fear. i would first like to ask that anyone who reads this to not worry about me. know that i am fine, content, happy. the reason though that i have been avoiding writing a blog and talking to people is because things have changed. not drastically, but enough to make me take a step back and do more research, soul-searching, and praying. i am worried about the response i'm going to receive from this blog. what i am basically saying here friends, is that while i STILL BELIEVE in God and Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, i have been having doubts of my own faith. this was hard to admit to myself, and even more hard to admit here now, but i feel like when i came into faith a little over a year ago i did with a happy confident head, but not a confident heart. at first i was excited and ambitious, but i was also blind to what my heart and head were saying to one another, i took the plunge prematurely. again, i would like to reiterate that i do believe in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, but i can't deny my ignorance of things, lack of confidence in my faith, and a small pressure to dramatically change who i was right away from certain people. this scared me. at first, i just went along with the current, ignoring that something didn't feel right. then the feeling grew until i was starting to become two different people: jamie at church and with her Christian friends, and jamie outside of the church body. these two halves would battle against each other and i would pray for clarification, but still the battle would rage on. i became sad, depressed, confused about who i really was. in a way i think God made me sick and made me work on sundays so i could take a break from church. so He could focus my mind and my heart on what i needed to do (some may disagree with that, but i please ask for your respect in regards to my feelings and to not argue against it). so that's what's i've been doing. i've been taking a break from attending church and trying to figure out what i and God want me to do. the bottom line is that i am still doing what I want instead of what God wants, that i don't believe in things that the bible teaches, that my road to strengthen my faith is going to take a lot longer than i originally anticipated. i'm not comfortable with certain things about Christianity, and as much as i can read the bible and talk about these issues and pray, those things are going to take a lot longer to change in me if at all. i would also like to squash an assumption, that perhaps certain people in my life are influencing my confusion about my faith, NO THEY ARE NOT! i am capable of independent thought, and i realize that i may be sounding hostile right now, but i hear this often and it's annoying. the fact is that this was and IS a huge change for me, and the fact that it happened to fast was not good. (sorry if i offend) but i was blinding about the immediate splendor that would come to me being saved. i do still believe i was, but i'm not at a level with my faith that i first was at, mostly because it was a blind faith. and i know the expression that it takes a leap or faith and i did, but it was premature and i wasn't ready. i believe in the basics of Christianity, but i need more time to work things out. and right now church is not helping me, but bothering me. i honestly haven't felt comfortable there in a while. so i guess my point is that i need time. friends i need time and patience. i don't want to be bombarded with questions, opinions or arguments. if i have questions i will ask, but i first need support from you friends. to let me be who i am, even if you don't agree with it. we all make mistakes and God's grace is wonderful. my walk with the Lord is just that, My walk. trust me when i say that i am not deceiving myself or that i believe that i don't need to change things about myself to get closer to the Lord, because I know i have to change to develop that relationship. my point is that this change is going to take a lllllooonnnnggg time for me. so again, i ask for your patience. i ask for your acceptance of this, if you cannot accept this that's up to you. but i cannot pretend to be someone that i am not anymore. God made me the way i am, and He chose the path to Him to be rocky at first, perhaps for the greater good that will come when i am confident and i am His fully in my head as well as in my heart. i am thankful for Christ and the Holy Spirit. i see God's grace in my life every day and it is amazing and wonderful! God is working in me, i know it. but it's just not as obvious as it was before, because this time it's more honest. thank you to all who do love me and support me. and i apologize for taking so long to say these things. i apologize for being a coward among you as well as to not share how i felt. i hope you can forgive me for that. have a good night all! and have wonderful Easter! Christ IS the reason for the season!