an update about my faith

so i realize that i haven't written a blog in quite awhile. mostly due to laziness, business, and fear. yes fear. i would first like to ask that anyone who reads this to not worry about me. know that i am fine, content, happy. the reason though that i have been avoiding writing a blog and talking to people is because things have changed. not drastically, but enough to make me take a step back and do more research, soul-searching, and praying. i am worried about the response i'm going to receive from this blog. what i am basically saying here friends, is that while i STILL BELIEVE in God and Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, i have been having doubts of my own faith. this was hard to admit to myself, and even more hard to admit here now, but i feel like when i came into faith a little over a year ago i did with a happy confident head, but not a confident heart. at first i was excited and ambitious, but i was also blind to what my heart and head were saying to one another, i took the plunge prematurely. again, i would like to reiterate that i do believe in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, but i can't deny my ignorance of things, lack of confidence in my faith, and a small pressure to dramatically change who i was right away from certain people. this scared me. at first, i just went along with the current, ignoring that something didn't feel right. then the feeling grew until i was starting to become two different people: jamie at church and with her Christian friends, and jamie outside of the church body. these two halves would battle against each other and i would pray for clarification, but still the battle would rage on. i became sad, depressed, confused about who i really was. in a way i think God made me sick and made me work on sundays so i could take a break from church. so He could focus my mind and my heart on what i needed to do (some may disagree with that, but i please ask for your respect in regards to my feelings and to not argue against it). so that's what's i've been doing. i've been taking a break from attending church and trying to figure out what i and God want me to do. the bottom line is that i am still doing what I want instead of what God wants, that i don't believe in things that the bible teaches, that my road to strengthen my faith is going to take a lot longer than i originally anticipated. i'm not comfortable with certain things about Christianity, and as much as i can read the bible and talk about these issues and pray, those things are going to take a lot longer to change in me if at all. i would also like to squash an assumption, that perhaps certain people in my life are influencing my confusion about my faith, NO THEY ARE NOT! i am capable of independent thought, and i realize that i may be sounding hostile right now, but i hear this often and it's annoying. the fact is that this was and IS a huge change for me, and the fact that it happened to fast was not good. (sorry if i offend) but i was blinding about the immediate splendor that would come to me being saved. i do still believe i was, but i'm not at a level with my faith that i first was at, mostly because it was a blind faith. and i know the expression that it takes a leap or faith and i did, but it was premature and i wasn't ready. i believe in the basics of Christianity, but i need more time to work things out. and right now church is not helping me, but bothering me. i honestly haven't felt comfortable there in a while. so i guess my point is that i need time. friends i need time and patience. i don't want to be bombarded with questions, opinions or arguments. if i have questions i will ask, but i first need support from you friends. to let me be who i am, even if you don't agree with it. we all make mistakes and God's grace is wonderful. my walk with the Lord is just that, My walk. trust me when i say that i am not deceiving myself or that i believe that i don't need to change things about myself to get closer to the Lord, because I know i have to change to develop that relationship. my point is that this change is going to take a lllllooonnnnggg time for me. so again, i ask for your patience. i ask for your acceptance of this, if you cannot accept this that's up to you. but i cannot pretend to be someone that i am not anymore. God made me the way i am, and He chose the path to Him to be rocky at first, perhaps for the greater good that will come when i am confident and i am His fully in my head as well as in my heart. i am thankful for Christ and the Holy Spirit. i see God's grace in my life every day and it is amazing and wonderful! God is working in me, i know it. but it's just not as obvious as it was before, because this time it's more honest. thank you to all who do love me and support me. and i apologize for taking so long to say these things. i apologize for being a coward among you as well as to not share how i felt. i hope you can forgive me for that. have a good night all! and have wonderful Easter! Christ IS the reason for the season!