i wish i could be alone

i have always had this desire to pack up my shit, my cats and just leave. go. anywhere. live in the woods. be by myself. but i can't. i'm not strong enough to live with myself. i wish i could live with myself. ironic how i crave solitude, but when i get it i hate it. i hate being alone. loneliness scares me. i hate that i depend on another person soo much for company. i hate that ive been hurt soo much, i feel like i'll never get over it. i'll always be broken, and thus afraid to deal with the reality that maybe it really is something wrong me, that i'm the problem. to deal with my inner demons that i block out. i just wish i was stronger and braver. i've been wishing this for like 8 years, i can never accomplish it. when i am alone, i'm more depressed than when i went in. i am truly fucked up, giving myself a pity party right now. the fact is that i don't love myself. i don't know how to. and i'm afraid it's too late to learn.