I hate my job

Anyone who knows me would say that statement is pretty obvious. I work my ass off every day for people that hardly notice or care. I could slack off all day and I would get treated the same way: like complete utter useless shit. So you may be thinking why do I care so much? Why do I work so hard?

Because that is who I am. When I work at a job, I will work hard for you to prove to you that I am a well-deserved employee who should be valued and treated with respect. But my current managers do not care about any of this. I am forced to take mental abuse everyday for the sake of a paycheck that is not worth all the stress. Why am I still there you may be asking?

I am still there working over eight hours a day not by choice. In this current economic state, I cannot afford to be choosey about a job. I put up with the continuous bullshit because it does earn me a paycheck to pay my rent and bills. I actively search for new jobs on a daily basis, but yet I am unsuccessful at finding one. I am either way too over qualified or under qualified for most jobs. I also have to make sure that whatever job I take compensates me at the same rate or higher of what I make now, otherwise I'll be out on the street.

So this is my dilemma. I work in hell, every day. I pray for strength to get through the day every morning and at the end of the day all I want to do is cry. The stress is astounding and I am continuously told that I shouldn't care so much. That is easier said than done. I care because that is who I am. I have tried to not give a shit and be like all the lazy workers who make a dollar more an hour than me, but I don't respect those people. I am not lazy, therefore, I work hard. Working hard is defined by me caring about the job that doesn't care about me. It is truly a catch 22 situation.

The bottom line is that I am stuck at my job until a better one comes along. All I can do is apply for various jobs everyday and pray that I am qualified for one. This sucks.

I need a

NEW JOB! I'm actively looking for a new job. If anyone hears of anything in Kenosha, let me know.

I'm on the edge....

... of glory! I love songs that literally give me goosebumps and shivers up and down my spine. They touch me in a way that make me burst into song or tears. Either way they are good. And Lady Gaga's "Edge of Glory" is an amazing song! I need to listen to my iPod more.

Yep, I had an eye opening day today. In more ways than one. First, relationships are tough for everyone. You have your good times and your bad times, your transitional times and your stagnant times. But you also have L-O-V-E!! And as long as you have that, you don't need anything else.

So yes, I am in love, very much so! And I remind myself every day that I love this guy soo much and that we ARE amazing together. The ups and downs we experience are what makes our relationship stronger and last! We have each other and, more importantly, we have an insane amount of love for each other! So, there you have it! I love you, Beau! More than I am able to express somedays. I know we have our bad days, but remember that no matter what, I DO love you!

Second, I need to learn to let go of the reigns sometimes. Relax..... jamie....relax.... I have an obsessive need to control everything and everyone around me, but life doesn't work that way. God has control, not me. I have to remember to lay my burdens on His feet. Trust in God, Jamie. He is leading you down the path fit exactly for you! Let Him lead you and don't forget to hold Christ's hand when you think you may stumble up the road. That's what He is there for!

Tomorrow is a new day. And I am going to make it worth while and awesome.

update

so.... i can never regularly update these things ever. plus the lack of internet at the apartment makes this a definite non-priority. that and Facebook, sorry but school is more important. when i am online, i'm usually doing homework or paying bills.

anyway.........

vacation was awesome! when we get consistent internet, pictures will be posted. it was awesome to get away for a few days. i also got to meet a lot of Beau's extended family which was really nice. He's met a lot of mine, but they all live close around here. his family is all spread out, so it was nice to be invited to meet more of his family.

Niagara falls was amazing. i was blown away by the beauty of it and it really made me think and appreciate how awesome and amazing God is. that this beautiful site is in the middle of no where.... just wow. beau and i are definitely planning on making a return visit.

in other news, school is burning me out slightly. but i'll be dropping down to working only 5 days a week instead of 6, so that should help. beau and i are also trying to figure out a way to fit internet into our budget. i would do so much better if i was able to access it at home. i'm planning on setting up a real deal study area and schedule for myself soon. i have one more week of my current class than i'm taking a week break. i need to get some perspective and re-prioritize some things in my life.

it's probably also the fact that i'm turning 25 in about a week, but i need to make a goal for myself. an attainable goal for my life. the ultimate goal is there, but i need to make attainable realistic goals for myself. i think that'll help alleviate some stress and negative thoughts.

plus God. i need HIM, now more than ever. i have to reconnect and get in touch with my faith. i continue to pray and include God, but I need to do better. i always say this too, but i need to approach this from a different angle.

that's what i plan on doing with my week off. acknowledge my birthday and the fact that i'm 25, create a study area and a plan for myself for school, make a plan to incorporate God into my life more, and rest and relax!!!

so that's that. hope all is well with you out there!

another busy day off work

so beau and i no longer have internet at the apartment. we don't mind not having it, but it can be tricky since my school is done all online. we have had to go to our friend's and family's houses to utilize their internet to get my work done, check our email and such. that is why there isn't much activity coming from me or beau lately on Facebook.

we are spending today running errands and doing chores. our one day off a week isn't enough, but we do what we have to do. we are really looking forward to our vacation to buffalo, NY next week. i think the drive there and home, will be fun. I have never driven anywhere on that side of the country and neither has beau, so it'll be cool to pass through all these states.

i've been so busy with school and work, it'll be nice to have a couple days off of work. i still have to bring my laptop with me, because school is still going on. it is also the week of my finals for my class, so i'm trying to get a head start now. so that way i can enjoy the trip more.

other than that, nothing new going on. and i think my load of laundry is done so i have to go now. hope everyone else is having a good day!

something to think about...

I took this from my friend Amber's facebook page. so, thanks Amber Petersen! :)

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following: There would be: 57 Asians 21 Europeans 14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south 8 Africans 52 would be female 48 would be male 70 would be non-white 30 would be white 70 would be non-Christian 30 would be Christian 89 would be heterosexual 11 would be homosexual 6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the United States. 80 would live in substandard housing 70 would be unable to read 50 would suffer from malnutrition 1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth 1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education 1 would own a computer The following is also something to ponder... • If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week. • If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 500 million people in the world. • If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world. • If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 70% of this world. • If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace ... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy. • If your parents are still alive and still married ... you are very rare, even in the United States and Canada. •If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.

getting out of this rut!

at least mentally getting out of this rut, since I can't physically. I got some great advice from sister, Susan. This is just my practice run right now. I'm supposed to take this time to figure out who I am as a person, what I want for my future, and how do I accomplish that. also, I have to remind myself and thank God for all that I DO have. we have our own apartment now! neither of us are living with our parents anymore!

next I have to start planning goals for myself. short term goals that slowly build towards my long term goal. so, I decided that for my first short term goal: I will have $500 in my savings account by December 31, 2011! it will be extremely difficult for me to accomplish, except that it IS very attainable if I work for it and make my budget more strict with no more irresponsible spending! so that is a goal that I have set for myself so far!

so, here goes nothin! :)

hmm... again?

so many people around me are getting pregnant or married. again... i guess it's my age. being in your mid twenties is the time you're "supposed" to get married and have a family, at least that's according to common society. my only question is why? not that i am not thrilled for my friends and relatives, but i guess i am part of a different crowd. i do want to be married someday, sometimes i wish it'd be sooner than later, but then i remember i'm not ready for it. i am mentally ready for marriage, but not financially. even though i don't want a big wedding, i don't want to be a starving newlywed couple. and as far as kids goes, no thank you. beau and i aren't "kid friendly" and we are both on the same page as far as children. so i guess i should be thanking all my friends for repopulating the earth since i won't be doing that. but then i get the pressure from people asking me when am i going to get married and have kids. it just gets a little overwhelming. well my answer is yes, someday i'll get married (hopefully to beau bear). and no, we are not planning on having children. we are leaving that duty to our siblings. but we are more than happy to be the cool aunt and uncle :)

so congrats to all my friends and family who are having children and getting married! i am happy for you, honestly!

bad day turned to good

today started out bad, but ended on a good note. now i'm looking forward to a night in with my sweetie :) it's amazing what prayer can do to a depressed mind. God provides a new perspective on situations and problems. it's best to focus on the positives in my life and all that God provides for me :) thank you Lord for never turning your back on me, even when i forget that i can turn to you whenever i need it. You are always there for me, God and i love You! thank you to Jesus for providing the line from me to God :) Christ is my homie!

now i'm going to kick back with a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of wine :)

i dunno...

my mind won't shut up. for some reason i feel restless. i'm bored, frustrated... ugh i dunno. i feel like i can't even comprehend a single thought. i can't focus or concentrate on anything. physically i'm exhausted. i want to sleep all day. for some reason i can't explain anything... i'm going to go to sleep. please God, grant me a restful sleep; let me wake up with clarity and a sense of purpose; amen.

spring 2011 update

so i'm at home sick with a cold from work. lame. but it is giving me an opportunity to do some thinking and catching up on some things. like my blog that i made a resolution to write in every day. yeah, i never keep a resolution when it comes to keeping up with a blog or diary. but anyway, here is an update... school is going well, but very busy! i'm half way through my third class and it is tough, but i am learning a lot. it's hard for me to get back into the school mind set still a little, especially since my classes are all online, but i'm making it work. i'm getting good grades thus far, which is good :) one thing that's hard is that i don't get any breaks. it goes from class to class to class with no holidays, spring breaks, summer vacations or any of that. if i want (or need) a break from classes i have to schedule one with my advisor. i took one week off before my third class started which was nice. i may schedule another break sometime in july when beau, me and his family go on vacation to buffalo NY. but that may be difficult to schedule. work is work at Tenuta's. it's an easy job and i like it, but there are stressful days. i guess they want me to take on more responsibility which is good. it means more money for me :) it's nice to have a job that i don't have to stress out about while i'm in school. i don't know how i managed it before, but it was way too much for me to handle. beau and i got our very own apartment which is awesome! we are pretty much set up for the most part. it finally looks and feels like home to us :) it's great having our own place! i've been cooking a lot again, which i have missed, plus beau loves it of coarse. we are planning to have a house (apartment) warming party soon. probably in the beginning or middle of May. we have been doing really well with splitting the chores and keeping the place clean. the cats drive us nuts a little sometimes. they got so used to living at my dad's house with all that room, but i think they are adjusting well. we are one big happy family :) i've been realizing who my true friends are lately. i think that comes with age too. once everyone gets older and enters adulthood, priorities set in and life changes. but let's just say that i am so thankful to the friends who continue to stick around no matter what. speaking of priorities: God has been so great to me (and Beau) this season, providing us with an apartment and moving us up in our jobs. we are entering the next phase of our lives and relationship and i try to keep God in the loop, because without Him and Christ, i wouldn't be who i am or where i am today. i've been getting beau and i into the habit of praying at dinner time. it helps both of us to remember that God is taking care of us and that we are so thankful for all that He does. Easter was a nice day. we made breakfast and went to beau's parents house for lunch. his mom made lasagna and meatballs, delicious! then we spent the rest of the afternoon running errands and finally relaxing at home. i am so thankful to have God and Christ in my life, even if it doesn't fall in line with the "norm". the point is that i am happy with my life and i continue to learn and grow with God having a lasting presence :) well i guess that's it for now. hope you are all well out there!

helpless

i hate feeling helpless in a situation. all i can do is sit here and cry. i apologize and still all i can do is nothing but sit and wait. when i requested space i was met with an ultimatum and a threat. but when they want space all i can do is sit here and wait. why? this isn't fair.

busy day today

well so far i am staying true to one of my new year's resolutions. i need to be more dedicated to the other two though. i started working out this week and so far so good. i do about 30 minutes of yoga/strength training on my wii fit. then i ride my exercise bike for about 20-25 minutes each morning. exercise really does cause you to be in a better mood :) i just have to strive to keep up with this routine and get it more advanced as time goes on. when i start school in a couple weeks i know i will be reading more and focused a lot on that. i'm really excited to get started too! i think i have everything i need and i am ready to go! spending time in the word is proving challenging, though it has always proven challenging for me. i have a couple books that help me, i just have to dedicate myself to reading them. also just the reminder that i will grow closer to God in reading His word should give me the motivation i need. i just have to remind myself of that fact! i miss church too, i have to talk to chris about getting sundays off again... new year's was nice and calm this year. beau and i went to our friend zach's house. a few brews, a board game, and fireworks at midnight made it quite enjoyable :) i like low key nights like that. spent my day off today cleaning the house and running tons of errands. i was finally able to use my gift card from the gap that my mom gave me for Christmas. i was in desperate need for new pants since i've lost weight. so i was able to get 2 pairs of jeans and they are a size 10!!! i haven't been a size 10 since i was in 7th grade!! i feel great and now i just have to maintain this weight (which is the hardest part). now i have to finish laundry. then it's time to kick back and relax with a movie. good day today :)