this isn't fair

here i am stuck in a position where it is my responsibility to take care of my dad in some way. i need to find him a ride home from my uncle's house. the first person who said they'd do it, just backed out because it would ruin their plans. i understand that reasoning, but my only argument is why did you say yes in the first place? because you're too nice is not an excuse. you agreed to do it, thus you need to follow through or find a replacement. but instead i'm left doing it. it's my responsibility in the first place, and that's the thing it shouldn't have to be. the burden of taking care of my dad is really getting to me. i just want to be 23 years old. not 23 and taking care of a 48 year old teenager with a disability. that may sound selfish, but i'm doing the best i can. i don't think others see the sacrifices i'm making. some people don't agree that the burden of taking care of my dad should fall on me. but he doesn't have anyone else really. my grandparents are old and need to take care of themselves, plus they do the best they can to help. my aunts and uncles have their own families to take care of. and they also help out when they can. yes, i'm limited in that ii don't drive or have a car. my dad cannot drive right now, plus he has no car right now either. so i have to make arrangements with the closest person to me. i wish they would see how much i appreciate the things they do for me when it comes to running errands for my dad or myself. my dad also appreciates them very much as well, he may not express to their face all the time, but he does. he tells me he does. i don't like being put in the middle. having to defend a person who goes back on an arrangement they make. i look bad, they look bad, and it still doesn't solve the problem of how my dad is going to get home tonight. this isn't fair. i don't do anything wrong and i feel like i'm being shit on by two very important people in my life. one getting bitter because they have to do something they don't want as a favor to me and my dad, then going back on it. the other my dad who will get pissed off that they changed their mind and i thus have to defend that they had plans of their own this evening, but my dad too full of pride to listen. this is fucking bullshit!!!! i sometimes wish i could leave here, escape, get a new name, and disappear. GOD I NEED YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER! PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO CONTINUE ON IN THIS SITUATION YOU HAVE PUT ME IN RIGHT NOW. GIVE ME THE KNOWLEDGE TO KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO RIGHT NOW. FREE ME FROM THIS CONSTANT STRUGGLE. BLESS MY FATHER SO HE CAN TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF AGAIN. HELP ME HELP ME HELP, PLEASE LORD WILL YOU JUST HELP ME!

another week gone by..

ooops i haven't written in this thing a few days. well here is day one of my 3 day weekend off from work. it's nice having a job where there are many people to fill the weekend hours. but sadly, i waste my weekends. i don't do very much. the spark is having a live recording tonight, and i was debating if i really wanted to go to that tonight, but a part of me rather stay at home. i have a lot to do around here anyway. tomorrow night, i may hang out with some friends. basically a YAM group for living light church. i was invited by an old friend. speaking of which, i had coffee with rachel cui earlier this week. which was awesome! she's a great friend and we always have a lot of laughs when we have our "catch-up dates" :) i miss going out on girlfriend dates. i find that a lot of my girlfriends are soo busy nowadays. i need to manage my time better. God has granted me this extra time right now, and i'm not using it wisely. i'm filling it with sleep or tv. well, i guess since i'm no longer in school, the next thing i can invest in is getting my license and a car/moped. i think that would help my situation a lot better. well, i better get started on these chores if i do decide to go tonight.

care group

so care group was awesome tonight! it was our second week which meant we were still getting to one another. but i found this week very encouraging. things made sense and the words i received were what i needed to hear. i found that i'm not the only one dealing with the particular struggles i'm in right now. i'm excited for what this care group will do in my life. and i can't wait for next week :)

in a blah type of mood

well now that the 2nd day off of work (out of 3) for me is about to end, i don't have much to show for it. i spent all day yesterday in my room watching season 3 of heroes. today me and beau did some running around, but nothing note worthy of being productive. tomorrow i have church and i'm planning on making dinner, so that will be nice. i was supposed to make dinner tonight, come to find out my uncle danny was over and him and my dad were watching football and eating hot wings. so there went that. i feel really lost on what i'm supposed to do now. i'm still looking for a 2nd and even 3rd job to fill time and the income shortage this household is now in. but until that happens, i'm bored. i'm all done with school and it feels weird to not be anticipating going back in a week or so. i'm happy i'm done, but it's like, school has been my life for the last 18 years, now what? get a job right? again, easier said than done. most of my friends have full time jobs or school, so i don't get out much. i hate leaving my house when i have no plans though, just in case my dad needs me. and sadly my house provides too many stupid distractions for me to do anything productive or of use. i have care group on monday nights now which i'm very thankful for. and exploring christianity starts soon too, which will occupy my wednesday nights. it's just once again, i'm in a rut, but this time. it's not of my own making and unfortunately this time, i can't will myself out without leaving my dad. and i can't do that. God has been pouring his grace over me through this time, but i think the reality of me not being able to escape this situation right now is finally settling in, and i'm feeling blah. not depressed or angry or even really sad, just blah..... i don't even know if this makes sense. sometimes i wish i was more disciplined with things..... it's all a matter of wanting to be so. and the recognition of not being lazy anymore. that's a really hard thing to do when you always feel exhausted.

an update from yesterday

okay, first i would like to apologize for how brash and harsh i may have sounded on my last post. i was angry at the time. i do understand that the advice i was given came from a place of love and care for me and my soul. i only got upset because it was advice that was not asked or needed right now. my feelings were that i have enough on my mind right now, why are we bringing this up to? i don't take back what i said, but how it may have come off. what i said was true - that's how i feel sometimes. and i don't like it. thank you to those friends who offered support, i appreciate your understanding. i guess the bottom line is that my walk with christ, is just that, mine. and i'm still learning and growing and trying to change things in my life. i ask that you please don't expect me to change soo much all at one time, that i can't handle. i'm strong enough to deal with the things that are affecting me. i just need time. and frankly, though i know it comes from a place of love and care for me, i don't want advice right now. because when i don't ask for it, then choose not to follow that advice, i feel like i'm being a disappointment to the one who gave it, and i'm being judged or mistrusted by the one who gave it. i'm stubborn, very stubborn. that is one of the things i pray that god will change about me. and until i can get over my sense of self sufficient stubbornness, everything else will unfortunately take a back seat. but please, no worries, have faith in me and patience. thank you

angry and awake at 4am

i don't like feeling this pressure. i hate that i can be manipulated into things so easily. even by myself. i confuse myself and when i get down to do i just end up making things worse. why is it that since i became a christian, certain people in my life expect me to be perfect right away?? i'm supposed to completely forget who i was and what i liked and go for total christ likeness. i understand that that's the big goal for all christians, but i'm a new believer! and yes my ego is still in the way. and i pray to god every day to help me get rid of my pride. but why does this have to apply to people i love??? it says in the bible that we "aren't" supposed to be in a love relationship with a non-christian, but why not? aren't we supposed to salt and light of the world? what kind of message am i sending by ending a relationship for the reason that you're not a christian sorry good bye!? i'm sorry but i can't do that. i refuse to give up on people! i love him very much and i do believe that one day he will come around. that requires faith!! i have faith in him! now some people may be thinking that my relationship is hindering my relationship with christ. i am not denying christ and i am a christian! i believe that god is directing my path and right now i don't see that path leading away from my relationship. my focus is on my dad right now. on finding a new/second/better job right now. on the fact that i'm finished with school and just want to take a deep breath and slow down for once. i am not open about my relationship with beau to my christian friends for the honest reason of that i am afraid of what they'll think, their judgement on me. and then i realized that the only judgement i need to worry about is from god. and when i face him and he asks me why i wanted to stay in my relationship, i'll tell him the truth: i have faith in beau. he has a good heart and i believe he will one day turn to christ. and i will do all that i can to help him. don stayed with me and look what happened, i was saved. i can't predict the future, only god knows. some people believe that i am hindering beau's relationship with christ by giving him a false sense of what christ teaches. and i'll admit that this does worry my heart. there are things in our relationship i'd like to change. but i won't preach to him and push him away further. that's not what beau needs. and if i leave beau's life, then he won't have any christian influences in his life, because i know he will withdraw from his current christian friends. (beau - if i'm wrong, correct me) again, what has been weighing on my heart the last few months is that I MYSELF haven't been honest to who i am! ME! i feel like i'm two different people. i'm church jamie and then i'm everyday jamie. and beau has nothing to do with that. that is my own insecurity getting the best of me. believing that friends will judge me and not want to be around me if they saw that i am still very crass, rude, selfish, perverted, arrogant, and proud. but i'm human which makes me a sinner, which is why i'm so glad i have jesus in my life. as a new believer at my age in my circumstances, it takes a bit longer for holy spirit to make drastic changes to our personality. and i am open for those changes when they occur. and you can't deny that some changes have already occurred. but i'm tired of feeling guilty. jesus poured down his loving, forgiving grace on me so i didn't have to feel this way. and i feel myself changing. i feel myself longing to become closer to god. that's why i joined a church and signed for a care group and am participating in exploring christianity and trying to spend more time in the word. beau is not a distraction. granted i won't get spiritual support from him, but i can get that from other people. i live with my dad and he's a non-believer! and he's made it apparent that he thinks i've been brainwashed. at least beau is willing to hear my thoughts, though he may not agree with them. he is happy for my spirituality. there are plenty of christians who are with non-christians out there. the bottom line is that we are all sinners! and i am tired for having to defend my "sinful" relationship! i don't even know where beau and i stand as of tonight. but i love him and right now i don't feel god directing me away from him. i feel my friends directing me away from him. i feel my head being guilted into doing something that my heart is not okay with. i don't know what tomorrow brings. i can't predict the future. i tried for a long time. but now i'm letting God take control. if god wants us apart he will make it that way. i understand people are concerned. and that they think their past experiences are the same as mine. but i'm sorry they're not. most of my friends have been brought up in christian homes, been christians most of their lives. i'm a NEW believer and all this pressure i'm getting to change and be perfect is pissing me off!!! i recognize that i have to change and again, i have in some ways. other ways it's going to take a little bit longer. people may think i'm wearing the crown over my own head right now, and i may be. but i will answer for that one day. have faith in me friends, please! trust me! you are welcome to be concerned, but until you've walked a mile in my shoes, you can't tell me how to live my life. only god can do that. i don't know any one of my friends that are christian that were saved in their twenties. if there is someone out there like that, TELL ME! because maybe you can help me relate to what i'm going through. because right now, circumstances are very different! there are only 4 people on this earth that know me very well, and i mean intimately well: beau, gail, dan b, kristal k. i'm pretty sure all of them were quite shocked to hear that i became a christian, and that's because they KNEW ME knew me before i was saved. come to think of it, i don't think i've ever completely opened up to a christian friend for fear of judgement..... i don't like that. i'm sorry if this hurts some people's feelings. but some things are just easier said when not face to face. i told myself i was going to be completely honest with myself from now on. and i've done just that. i'm tired of letting myself get influenced. i need patience from my christian friends, please that's all i ask... patience. quit expecting so much from me!

i have a lot.....

to think about........ *sigh*

busy sunday

had a pretty good day today. woke up and went to church. i love listening to mike bullmore preach. he makes sense of a lot of things. applies God's word to our every day life and really makes you think. and whether you are religious or not, mike says things that can relate to everyone. don't base your life on meaningless possessions and stuff; don't idolize things are not worthy of praise (i.e. american idol); let sunday be the day of the rest and worship (whether that may be in your case) like it's supposed to be. after church beau and i went to red robin to celebrate our friend andy's birthday. it was a lot of fun! i feel like i don't get out of my house with friends much, so i appreciate little get togethers like that. after that beau and i ran some errands, went to his house where he cleaned his room and eventually i kicked his ass in mario cart 64 :P then came home to finish making dinner: chipotle and lime chicken with potatoes. it was pretty good, but if i make it again i'm going to cook a little differently. now i'm blogging and beau is cataloging movie ideas. nothing too exciting. i got into a care group!!! finally, i feel like i've been waiting forever! and God could not have provided a better time for me to be in a care group. He really does provide so well! i'm a part of paul and susan brown's care group and i'm excited to meet them and the other members of my new group. i'm praying that God will use this opportunity to help strengthen my relationships with other people and with His son Jesus Christ. They always say that the best thing for newer believers is to be around other believers, so i'm really excited! i made a goal for myself (not a resolution) to spend a part of every day in God's word, and so far i'm failing miserably. i don't know why i don't just pick up and read. time is not an issue. i guess it comes down to my commitment, and really need to to buckle down and commit myself to being the type of christian i want to be. i can pray for help, sure, but it all comes down to me doing it. God won't answer me if i don't seek the answers He gives me. duh jamie!!! in other news... my wonderful mother took me grocery shopping last night. i've never really appreciated my mother as much as i have in the past 2 years or so. i think that has to do with our past relationship and the fact that we just didn't have one up until then. i think my mom is truly trying to make an effort with me now to make up for past mistakes, and i am more than willing to oblige. i mean it's my mom, i love her. she has done a lot for me and my dad lately, and i can't thank her enough :) i applied at starbucks, the old store i used to work at. i doubt i'll get hired back though since a.) i got fired and b.) it's slow right now and i doubt they are hiring, but we will see. i'm going to go into southern lakes credit union tomorrow morning because i saw the are looking for a part time teller, and it's real close to my house. i just need a second job and hopefully God will provide me with one soon. well, i guess that's all the updates i have right now. good night everyone :)

lazy sunday... well saturday actually...

finally rolled out of bed at 10:40am. went to bed last night around 10:30pm so i got about 12 hours of 'sleep'..... grrrr..... effing mattress!!! i don't know what i'm going to do today. i'm watching season 2 of heroes right now. beau is at work. my uncle danny is over hanging out with my dad. pretty boring afternoon. when beau gets home i'm going to see if he's willing to take me to some places to fill out applications. there's bound to be something in this town. i have to put more of an effort out there. ugh...... have to make an effort. God is providing a way jamie, just see it! seek it!!

another day in the land of snow

well today was an okay day. woke up and shoveled which sucked, but then beau woke up and finished for me :) we have a snow blower, but we don't know how to use it... haha.... dad came down stairs and started making breakfast, of which i joined in and made eggs and toast for myself and beau bear. work was really boring and slow, but my shift was only 4 hours long so it was tolerable. came home and dad and i made dinner, chicken and cheese egg rolls with carrot rice. we threw it together with what we had in the cupboards. it was pretty good actually :) so the money situation sucks. family has been more than helpful in providing groceries, but frankly we can always get food. it's the bills that we are worried about. the energy bill, the mortgage, the phone, dad's medical bills, and bills of my own. not to mention there are things we need. dad needs a new chair. with his back he needs something that will support him comfortably. plus we both need at least a new mattress. his bed is soo sunken in the middle he sleeps in his chair. and i wake up every morning with my back, neck, and or shoulders hurting. plus we both wake up tired, that just sucks! money is always a touchy subject with people too, and i understand why. worries arise with repayment and sadly, my dad and i are in no position to do that. lame! my church has helped me out already, and i have to meet with tom again so he can try and lower my interest rates on some of my credit cards. i do appreciate that, don't get me wrong. God has definitely provided a financial relief in a small way. sadly though it's just not enough and now i feel like i'm being selfish and not appreciating what God has provided thus far. but i do! i really do! realistically though money is a major issue at my house. i'm applying for jobs again. i need a full time job or another part time job. sears is good, but i only get 25 hours a week now and at minimum wage. i sunk low and applied at starbucks for a store manager job in Evanston, and i'm going to apply at my old store as a barista or a shift supervisor. whatever i can get really. i just need a job that can bring more income into the house. sears is literally the only source of income for our house right now, and it just isn't cutting it :( grr..... money matters get me soo frustrated!!! i have to remember to trust God's plan for me and have faith in Him!

a wasted afternoon

i'm sitting here in the living room, because beau is taking a nap in my room. we were supposed to be taking a nap together, however, i was worried i'd get more tired. i'm irritated because i have to work in less than an hour. why are we even open?? my store doesn't get business anyway really, especially my department. who is honestly going to come out and buy a mattress set in this weather?? i'm going to be so bored. i hate days like this. the snow makes it almost impossible to get anything done. and the fact that i work at 2pm till close takes a large chunk of my day away. lame. i had yesterday off, which was nice. i was able to clean the kitchen and living room before my dad came home. i'm glad he's home :) he is still in a lot of pain and we have no answers as to when or even how he will recover from this if at all. but i try to remain optimistic. i keep reminding myself that God has a plan and i need to trust Him completely. last night was really fun. went to christi and lauren's for lauren's belated birthday dinner. lots of laughs and fun :) i wish i could things like that more often. just have a night out or in with the girls. i really want to build up my friendships with the ladies in my life. i've never really had close girl friends that have lasted for an extended period of time. people always move away or we just lose touch. i need to make more of an effort. well beau's computer is about to die and i need to get ready for work. again, lame.

First entry

so this is my first entry for this blog. i've never really had a blog before. the idea to create one came from a conversation beau and i had the other night. we discussed how when each have written diaries, journals, blogs, or notes (facebook) they generally seem to be mostly negative. and i starting asking myself why? well i guess i deduced that i generally have negative notes due to the fact that i have a more need to express bad emotions than good ones. like when you eat something gross, you need to get that bad taste out of your mouth and once it's gone, you feel better. well, despite that being true for my past experiences with open outlets like this, i decided to create a blog that not only would be home to bad days and experiences, but good ones as well. basically just a daily record or my dealings everyday. i'm going to be completely honest with myself. so that way i can hopefully look back at this and possibly learn something. this blog is more for myself than for anyone else, but viewers are more than welcome to comment on anything they read here. whether or not i take advice seriously will depend on whether or not i know you. but i'm not wanting this blog to be an advice seeker. more of just a diary for myself that happens to be able to be viewed by many. i guess i should note that because this is a personal blog, curse words will probably pop up as well as subject matters that have never been discussed with friends. again, i'm doing this for me. so all i ask is your respect if and when you choose to leave a comment. that's if anyone reads this thing anyway...