angry and awake at 4am

i don't like feeling this pressure. i hate that i can be manipulated into things so easily. even by myself. i confuse myself and when i get down to do i just end up making things worse. why is it that since i became a christian, certain people in my life expect me to be perfect right away?? i'm supposed to completely forget who i was and what i liked and go for total christ likeness. i understand that that's the big goal for all christians, but i'm a new believer! and yes my ego is still in the way. and i pray to god every day to help me get rid of my pride. but why does this have to apply to people i love??? it says in the bible that we "aren't" supposed to be in a love relationship with a non-christian, but why not? aren't we supposed to salt and light of the world? what kind of message am i sending by ending a relationship for the reason that you're not a christian sorry good bye!? i'm sorry but i can't do that. i refuse to give up on people! i love him very much and i do believe that one day he will come around. that requires faith!! i have faith in him! now some people may be thinking that my relationship is hindering my relationship with christ. i am not denying christ and i am a christian! i believe that god is directing my path and right now i don't see that path leading away from my relationship. my focus is on my dad right now. on finding a new/second/better job right now. on the fact that i'm finished with school and just want to take a deep breath and slow down for once. i am not open about my relationship with beau to my christian friends for the honest reason of that i am afraid of what they'll think, their judgement on me. and then i realized that the only judgement i need to worry about is from god. and when i face him and he asks me why i wanted to stay in my relationship, i'll tell him the truth: i have faith in beau. he has a good heart and i believe he will one day turn to christ. and i will do all that i can to help him. don stayed with me and look what happened, i was saved. i can't predict the future, only god knows. some people believe that i am hindering beau's relationship with christ by giving him a false sense of what christ teaches. and i'll admit that this does worry my heart. there are things in our relationship i'd like to change. but i won't preach to him and push him away further. that's not what beau needs. and if i leave beau's life, then he won't have any christian influences in his life, because i know he will withdraw from his current christian friends. (beau - if i'm wrong, correct me) again, what has been weighing on my heart the last few months is that I MYSELF haven't been honest to who i am! ME! i feel like i'm two different people. i'm church jamie and then i'm everyday jamie. and beau has nothing to do with that. that is my own insecurity getting the best of me. believing that friends will judge me and not want to be around me if they saw that i am still very crass, rude, selfish, perverted, arrogant, and proud. but i'm human which makes me a sinner, which is why i'm so glad i have jesus in my life. as a new believer at my age in my circumstances, it takes a bit longer for holy spirit to make drastic changes to our personality. and i am open for those changes when they occur. and you can't deny that some changes have already occurred. but i'm tired of feeling guilty. jesus poured down his loving, forgiving grace on me so i didn't have to feel this way. and i feel myself changing. i feel myself longing to become closer to god. that's why i joined a church and signed for a care group and am participating in exploring christianity and trying to spend more time in the word. beau is not a distraction. granted i won't get spiritual support from him, but i can get that from other people. i live with my dad and he's a non-believer! and he's made it apparent that he thinks i've been brainwashed. at least beau is willing to hear my thoughts, though he may not agree with them. he is happy for my spirituality. there are plenty of christians who are with non-christians out there. the bottom line is that we are all sinners! and i am tired for having to defend my "sinful" relationship! i don't even know where beau and i stand as of tonight. but i love him and right now i don't feel god directing me away from him. i feel my friends directing me away from him. i feel my head being guilted into doing something that my heart is not okay with. i don't know what tomorrow brings. i can't predict the future. i tried for a long time. but now i'm letting God take control. if god wants us apart he will make it that way. i understand people are concerned. and that they think their past experiences are the same as mine. but i'm sorry they're not. most of my friends have been brought up in christian homes, been christians most of their lives. i'm a NEW believer and all this pressure i'm getting to change and be perfect is pissing me off!!! i recognize that i have to change and again, i have in some ways. other ways it's going to take a little bit longer. people may think i'm wearing the crown over my own head right now, and i may be. but i will answer for that one day. have faith in me friends, please! trust me! you are welcome to be concerned, but until you've walked a mile in my shoes, you can't tell me how to live my life. only god can do that. i don't know any one of my friends that are christian that were saved in their twenties. if there is someone out there like that, TELL ME! because maybe you can help me relate to what i'm going through. because right now, circumstances are very different! there are only 4 people on this earth that know me very well, and i mean intimately well: beau, gail, dan b, kristal k. i'm pretty sure all of them were quite shocked to hear that i became a christian, and that's because they KNEW ME knew me before i was saved. come to think of it, i don't think i've ever completely opened up to a christian friend for fear of judgement..... i don't like that. i'm sorry if this hurts some people's feelings. but some things are just easier said when not face to face. i told myself i was going to be completely honest with myself from now on. and i've done just that. i'm tired of letting myself get influenced. i need patience from my christian friends, please that's all i ask... patience. quit expecting so much from me!