a much needed update

wow. i have definitely gotten lazy when it comes to keeping up with this thing. i told myself that i'd write in this every day, but i have never been able to keep up with a journal or blog with that kind of discipline. so here is an update on what has been going on the past 4 months.... i started working at the new olive garden in pleasant prairie. when i started i was working like 60 hours a week and was loving the job. I was made a key holder and even began training to become a certified trainer. things were looking good. but as the job progressed, the love for it began to decrease with the increase of stress and decrease of hours. my hours were cut so bad that i had to seek a second job. so i began working at tenuta's liquor and deli as a cashier. ironically tenuta's was my very first job when i was 16, and now i'm back. but i like it and it does pay well, for which i am thankful. God has always provided me with quick solutions to financial problems like this :) as for olive garden, i have decided to leave that job. the stress is just not worth it and i'm not happy there. not to mention that i have had a nagging feeling in my mind for a very long time. i have always wanted to open my own coffee shop/cafe. and i have always made excuses not to go for it, but i have figured out that i won't be happy in anything i do, unless i am my own boss and i am able to do things my way. so i have decided to go back to school. i'm going to seek out a bachelor's degree in business (concentration in entrepreneurship and small business). i have decided to go with the online program through University of Phoenix. I have heard many good things about their online programs through friends and i find it'd be the way to go while working. i figure that when it is time for me to seek out loans to open my business, banks may find me more credible seeing that i have a degree. obviously, this is all very early in the beginning phases, but i am excited to just get through school and work on making my dream a reality :) also my new year's resolution is to take better care of myself: physically, mentally, and spiritually. physically i have a head start. when i was working those long hours at olive garden during those first two months, i ended up losing about 20-25lbs! i haven't been a size 12 since middle school so i am taking advantage of the weight already lost. i have a plan to work out every day and keep active and to continue with my healthy diet (just be more disciplined about it). mentally i plan on reading a lot more again. this will also fall in line with starting school again. putting a lot of my focus on my degree and my goals for the future. spiritually i know i need to refocus on God and Christ. i have also developed a plan to spend a significant time in the word each day and in prayer. once new year's is over, i plan on hopefully getting sunday off again so that i may attend church. as far as what church though is still up in the air. though i love crossway and all the people there, it has just gotten so big. i visited missio dei for a couple weeks and really enjoyed my time there. it is significantly smaller and literally 6 houses away from me. their belief structure, sermons, and worship is very similar to that of crossway which is one reason why i feel comfortable there. plus i already know people who attend. i have not made any decisions yet, but will keep all my crossway friends in the loop, so no worries :) so those are my resolutions and i am going to work hard to maintain all of them! and with God's help and Christ's love backing me, i should have no problem seeing them through! for those wondering, my dad is doing well. still in pain, but a lot of his nerves are waking up (which is the cause of the pain) which is a good sign of healing :) he has been keeping busy in his little workshop building little projects here and there. so if you have anything that needs to be built i.e. door, mailbox, shelves, furniture, etc. keep my dad in mind (Jim). he has also decided to go back to school, though he doesn't know when. he's thinking he may want to do accounting, since he likes math and numbers and it's a job he can do sitting without much physical labor. but everything is still up in the air, so we will wait and see what happens. beau and i are still together and we are doing very well. he just finished up a semester at gateway for I.T. computer stuff, which is glad to be done with. he is still working at tenuta's as well, and it is nice to be able to see each other more. we work together, but we don't work together. while i'm up front, he's mostly stocking in the back. during the break from school, he's working on a movie with his friend, so stay tuned for that ;) i think we have finally come to a place in our relationship where we fully understand each other. we have never been stronger and i'm happy to be entering into a new year with him :) our Christmas was nice and calm, which was desperately needed after the stressful days at work. we spent Christmas eve at my mom's house which was is always fun. then we had a nice relaxing dinner with beau's family on Christmas day. new year's is looking pretty chill as well, seeing as we both work the next day. but also we have been sooo busy lately, we have been opting to staying in and watching movies. i prefer nights like those :) i hope all of you out there had a great holiday and continue to have a wonderful new year! love to you all!! and more updates to follow soon!

i wish i could be alone

i have always had this desire to pack up my shit, my cats and just leave. go. anywhere. live in the woods. be by myself. but i can't. i'm not strong enough to live with myself. i wish i could live with myself. ironic how i crave solitude, but when i get it i hate it. i hate being alone. loneliness scares me. i hate that i depend on another person soo much for company. i hate that ive been hurt soo much, i feel like i'll never get over it. i'll always be broken, and thus afraid to deal with the reality that maybe it really is something wrong me, that i'm the problem. to deal with my inner demons that i block out. i just wish i was stronger and braver. i've been wishing this for like 8 years, i can never accomplish it. when i am alone, i'm more depressed than when i went in. i am truly fucked up, giving myself a pity party right now. the fact is that i don't love myself. i don't know how to. and i'm afraid it's too late to learn.

good songs when you're going through a breakup

Wait Do you see my heart on my sleeve It's been there for days on end and it's been waiting for you to open up Just you baby Come on now I'm trying to tell you Just how I'd like to hear the words roll out of your mouth finally Say that it's always been me That's made you feel a way you've never felt before And I'm all you need and that you never want more Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue But you'd save the best for last like I'm the one for you You should know that you're just a temporary fix This isn't a routine With you it don't mean that much to me You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me Yeah Why is it everytime I think I've tried my hardest it turns out it ain't enough 'Cause you're still not mentioning love What am I supposed to do to make you want me properly I'm taking these chances and getting nowhere And though I'm trying my hardest you go back to her And I think that I know things may never change I'm still hoping one day I might hear you say I make you feel a way you've never felt before And I'm all you need and you never want more Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue But you'd save the best for last like I'm the one for you You should know that you're just a temporary fix This isn't a routine With you it don't mean that much to me You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me Yeah Ey Yeah Ey Yeah Ey Yeah Ey But despite the truth that I know I find it hard to let go and give up on you Seems I love the things you do Like the meaner you treat me the more eager I am To persist with this heartbreak and running around And I think that I know things may never change I'm still hoping one day I might hear you say I make you feel a way you've never felt before And I'm all you need and that you never want more Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue And you'll be the one for me and me the one for you Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ~ Best for Last, Adele - 19 Well I'll sit here and convince myself it's true. If you keep on telling your friends that we're through. I've got nothing here but loneliness Holes in walls and bleeding fists. My head is pounding like a pillow, like a big black song. Well my friends and I try to tell me you're gone. Won't listen to myself or anyone. You got on a plane and off you went. You're never coming back again. I'm trying to convince myself it's true. Convincing myself I'll be just fine without you. [x3] I'll be here telling myself it's true. I sit here trying to convince myself it's true. But you keep on pretending you have no clue. I'd kill for you and eat the flesh. Give you the heart and burn the rest. A thousand miles ain't shit to walk if I'm walking to hold you but I'll be just fine without you [x3] I'll be here telling myself I'll be just fine without you [x6] I'll be here telling myself it's true. ~ Fine Without You, Alkaline Trio - Remains I drink good coffee every morning Comes from a place that's far away And when I'm done I feel like talking Without you here there is less to say I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy What is closer to the truth That if I lived till I was 102 I just don't think I'll ever get over you I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky 'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs I just don't think I'll ever get over you Your face it dances and it haunts me Your laughter's still ringing in my ears I still find pieces of your presence here Even after all these years But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner 'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do Even though I may soon feel the touch of love I just don't think I'll ever get over you If I lived till I was 102 I just don't think I'll ever get over you ~ I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You, Colin Hay - Garden State Soundtrack I wake alone, in a woman's room I hardly know. I wake alone- and pretend that I am finally home. The room is littered with her books and notebooks. I imagine what they say, like, 'Shoo fly, don't bother me,' And I can hardly get myself out of her bed. for fear of never lying in this bed again. Oh Christ, I'm not that desperate. oh no- oh God- I am. How'd I end up here to begin with? I don't know. Why do I start what I can't finish? Oh please, don't barrage me with questions to all those ugly answers. My ego's like my stomach- it keeps shitting what I feed it. But maybe I don't want to finish anything anymore.. maybe I can wait in bed 'til she comes home. and whispers. "you're in my web now - I've come to wrap you up tight 'til it's time to bite down." I wake alone in a woman's room I hardly know. I wake alone - and pretend that I am finally home. Home ~ The Recluse, Cursive - The Ugly Organ I once knew a girl In the years of my youth With eyes like the summer All beauty and truth In the morning I fled Left a note and it read Someday you will be loved. I cannot pretend that I felt any regret Cause each broken heart will eventually mend As the blood runs red down the needle and thread Someday you will be loved You'll be loved you'll be loved Like you never have known The memories of me Will seem more like bad dreams Just a series of blurs Like I never occurred Someday you will be loved You may feel alone when you're falling asleep And everytime tears roll down your cheeks But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet Someday you will be loved You'll be loved you'll be loved Like you never have known The memories of me Will seem more like bad dreams Just a series of blurs Like I never occurred Someday you will be loved You'll be loved you'll be loved Like you never have known The memories of me Will seem more like bad dreams Just a series of blurs Like I never occurred Someday you will be loved Someday you will be loved ~ Someday You'll be Loved, Death Cab for Cutie - Plans The early cars Already are Drawing deep breaths past my door And last night's phrases Sick with lack of basis Are still writhing on my floor And it doesn't seem fair That your wicked words should work In holding me down it doesn't seem right To take information Given at close range For the gag And the bind And the ammunition round Conversation once colored by esteem Became dialogue as a diagram of a play for blood Took a vacation, my palate got clean Now I could taste your agenda While you spit in your cud And it doesn't make sense I should fall for the kingcraft of a meritless crown No, it doesn't seem right To take information Given at close range For the gag And the bind And the ammunition round This is not about love 'Cause I am not in love In fact I can't stop falling out This is not about love 'Cause I am not in love In fact I can't stop falling out I miss that stupid ache What is this posture I have to stare at That's what he said when I'm sittin' up straight Change the name of the game 'cause he lost And he knew he was wrong but he knew it too late But I'm not being fair 'Cause I chose to listen to that filthy mouth But I'd like to choose right Take all the things that I've said that he stole Put 'em in a sack Swing 'em over my shoulder Turn on my heel Step out of his sight Try to live in a lovelier light This is not about love 'Cause I am not in love In fact I cant stop falling out This is not about love 'Cause I am not in love In fact I cant stop falling out I miss that stupid ache ~ Not About Love, Fiona Apple - Extraordinary Machine and there is a lot more, but these work for now.....

yay honesty

so another honest moment from me: beau and i are living together again :) him and i have moved upstairs and my dad has moved downstairs in my old room. so far it's going very well, a lot better than last time. because we have more room (basically like a studio apartment, just our kitchen and bathroom is downstairs) we were able to really create our own spaces. in my room last year it was waaay too small and we had just started dating at that point as well. here we are a year later and we know each other a lot more and better. so i'm happy and he's happy and we are good :)

an update about my faith

so i realize that i haven't written a blog in quite awhile. mostly due to laziness, business, and fear. yes fear. i would first like to ask that anyone who reads this to not worry about me. know that i am fine, content, happy. the reason though that i have been avoiding writing a blog and talking to people is because things have changed. not drastically, but enough to make me take a step back and do more research, soul-searching, and praying. i am worried about the response i'm going to receive from this blog. what i am basically saying here friends, is that while i STILL BELIEVE in God and Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, i have been having doubts of my own faith. this was hard to admit to myself, and even more hard to admit here now, but i feel like when i came into faith a little over a year ago i did with a happy confident head, but not a confident heart. at first i was excited and ambitious, but i was also blind to what my heart and head were saying to one another, i took the plunge prematurely. again, i would like to reiterate that i do believe in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, but i can't deny my ignorance of things, lack of confidence in my faith, and a small pressure to dramatically change who i was right away from certain people. this scared me. at first, i just went along with the current, ignoring that something didn't feel right. then the feeling grew until i was starting to become two different people: jamie at church and with her Christian friends, and jamie outside of the church body. these two halves would battle against each other and i would pray for clarification, but still the battle would rage on. i became sad, depressed, confused about who i really was. in a way i think God made me sick and made me work on sundays so i could take a break from church. so He could focus my mind and my heart on what i needed to do (some may disagree with that, but i please ask for your respect in regards to my feelings and to not argue against it). so that's what's i've been doing. i've been taking a break from attending church and trying to figure out what i and God want me to do. the bottom line is that i am still doing what I want instead of what God wants, that i don't believe in things that the bible teaches, that my road to strengthen my faith is going to take a lot longer than i originally anticipated. i'm not comfortable with certain things about Christianity, and as much as i can read the bible and talk about these issues and pray, those things are going to take a lot longer to change in me if at all. i would also like to squash an assumption, that perhaps certain people in my life are influencing my confusion about my faith, NO THEY ARE NOT! i am capable of independent thought, and i realize that i may be sounding hostile right now, but i hear this often and it's annoying. the fact is that this was and IS a huge change for me, and the fact that it happened to fast was not good. (sorry if i offend) but i was blinding about the immediate splendor that would come to me being saved. i do still believe i was, but i'm not at a level with my faith that i first was at, mostly because it was a blind faith. and i know the expression that it takes a leap or faith and i did, but it was premature and i wasn't ready. i believe in the basics of Christianity, but i need more time to work things out. and right now church is not helping me, but bothering me. i honestly haven't felt comfortable there in a while. so i guess my point is that i need time. friends i need time and patience. i don't want to be bombarded with questions, opinions or arguments. if i have questions i will ask, but i first need support from you friends. to let me be who i am, even if you don't agree with it. we all make mistakes and God's grace is wonderful. my walk with the Lord is just that, My walk. trust me when i say that i am not deceiving myself or that i believe that i don't need to change things about myself to get closer to the Lord, because I know i have to change to develop that relationship. my point is that this change is going to take a lllllooonnnnggg time for me. so again, i ask for your patience. i ask for your acceptance of this, if you cannot accept this that's up to you. but i cannot pretend to be someone that i am not anymore. God made me the way i am, and He chose the path to Him to be rocky at first, perhaps for the greater good that will come when i am confident and i am His fully in my head as well as in my heart. i am thankful for Christ and the Holy Spirit. i see God's grace in my life every day and it is amazing and wonderful! God is working in me, i know it. but it's just not as obvious as it was before, because this time it's more honest. thank you to all who do love me and support me. and i apologize for taking so long to say these things. i apologize for being a coward among you as well as to not share how i felt. i hope you can forgive me for that. have a good night all! and have wonderful Easter! Christ IS the reason for the season!

pathetic

~~~~~~~When I'm feeling like there's no love coming to me, and I have no love to give; when I'm feeling separated from the world, and cut off from myself; when I'm feeling annoyed by every little thing, because I'm not getting what I want; I'll remember that there is an infinite amount of love available to me, and I'll see it in you. I'll remember that I'm complete within myself, so I'll never have to look to you to complete me. And most of all, I'll remember that everything I really need I already have; and whatever I don't have will come to me when I'm ready to receive it.~~~~~~ i was watching a show last night and this poem came up, i found it inspirational. especially since i'm dealing with shit right now. i guess i feel like i'm repeating mistakes in this relationship as i have in past ones. i want to be with the one i love, and i feel like he is pulling away from me; not being honest about big decisions in his life, working on projects without sharing them with me (which is fine, i just wish i could help), spending (almost) every night out (which is again, fine, i just hate that i have to officially make plans with him now). i guess i take for granted that every night off he'll want to spend it with me. when we do hang out, we don't do anything. i feel like slowly our two paths are starting to fork away from each other. so here i am, trying to not be clingy, give him his space and not present my issues to him. the last time i did this in a relationship, we broke up 4 months later. i don't want to break up, i love him. so i'll try and be less available for him and let him be who he is and if it plays out that we break up, then i'll except that. i need to learn to be complete within myself ......... i sound pathetic.

good day :)

so today was a good day :) slowly getting better from this sinus infection thanks to getting antibiotics last week. definitely not 100%, but slowly getting there. woke up this morning and felt good. had a pretty decent night's sleep. beau took me out to breakfast at frank's diner, which is always awesome. then gail met up with us and i got to hang out with her for the rest of the day. i guess the only bad thing about today, is that i only get to see gail once in awhile. but we had a good day of catching up, sharing love stories, raiding clothes, grocery shopping, and eating taco bell. we are classy ladies :) had care group tonight as well. tonight we split into guys and girls. it was nice to be able to get to know the other women in my care group on a deeper level and to pray for one another. i think we all found out that we are more alike than we thought. christ brought us together and our struggles bring us closer. funny how God works sometimes! but all in all i've had a pretty good couple of days. i credit it all to my new ability of sleeping soundly. mmmmm...... sleeping......

another day sick at home

well i've been sick for over two weeks now. i'm pretty sure that i have a sinus infection or something big, but i have no insurance so i can't get proper medicine. store brand cold and flu medicine are no longer helping. i'm stuck at home feeling miserable drinking tea and water, praying for God to rid me of this. that's the one thing about being an adult. you have to take care of yourself when you're sick. and it sucks. days like these i really miss my mom, she was always good at taking care of us kids when we were sick. beau does as much as he can, but he's sick too. two sick people trying to take care of each other doesn't really work out. my dad is here, but i don't want him taking care of me for fear that he will get sick. :( so i'm on my own. i wish someone would bring me some soup and or medicine.... that'd be awesome. i really have to buckle down and take care of myself. that's the one thing about being in a relationship for me. i tend to get lazy. don't take care of myself as much as i do when i'm single, because i no longer have to impress anybody. weird mentality.... but it's true. i am lazy, there is no denying it. but my mom bought me a wii for my graduation present. and i'm going to splurge a little and buy the wii fit plus for myself. i did it when don and i were dating and i was actually losing weight slowly. plus, though we don't have much money, i have to buy food that is more healthy for both me and my dad, for both our sakes. drink more water and tea. try and get my balanced diet back on track. stop eating taco bell! i went two years without eating fast food, then bam! you get drunk once (taco bell is the best food when you're drunk) and i'm back in an old habit. plus i have to get in a better sleep pattern. make it more even. there's a lot of things i have to do.... i just have to stop being soo damn lazy! and today is valentine's day. i'm not that big into valentine's day. it's always been my belief that you should lavish your loved one in romance every day of the year. flowers and candy and teddy bears and romantic dinners out should not be reserved for only one day of the year. but for people who celebrate it, happy valentine's day to you! beau and i had a really good day yesterday, despite us both feeling like death around 4:30pm. the morning and afternoon was good, damn viruses have to ruin the rest of the day. i was supposed to go to a movie night at christi and lauren's place last night. but i missed yet again. i've been canceling a lot on them and i haven't been to church in three weeks. (sorry ladies, i know i'm lame) i just feel miserable and i'd rather not spread whatever it is i have. i just want to get better!!! boo!!!! i want my social life back!

Jamie-Defined (according to urbandictionary.com)

1.) A sweet girl with a cheery disposition on life, love and friendship. A cute girl. ** 2.)A girl who is intelligent, yet silly. A girl who is cold on the outside, yet warm and cuddly on the inside. A girl who tell her friends everything, yet she has many secrets hidden. A girl who is a great friend, yet a worthy adversary if you are not a friend of hers. A girl who is extremely sweet and innocent, yet she kicks someone's ass when necessary. ** 3.)The king of stealing, is a fucking criminal mastermind of stealing. Is never caught and is very mischievous. ** 4.)The hottest girl on earth. She can melt the heart of any guy. ** 5.)Someone who is hard to understand. She can be crazy, but her friends love her for that. Can have a bad temper but gets over it fast. Loves being random, is well liked. Also, she is a shy person, and cares for many. ** 6.)Those with the name Jamie tend to be kind people who enjoy music. They're great with making friends and usually have dark hair. Some are very attractive. They can be quiet at times but, given the chance to party... they will... Some have dry senses of humor and can be confused easily... that's part of the humor... Jamies usually have a crooked smile. Many like to dance and just have a good time. Male Jamies are totally and utterly attractive and absolutely love to "unleash the hound" and just dance it out till the sun comes up... and, if you're a Jamie and reading this, you lucky dog... :D Female Jamies are fun to be around and can be slightly tone-deaf... but all's good because they make up for it in attitude. ** 7.)The girl you know that is cute, cuddly, and obsessed over fantasies in chick flicks like holding your hand or cuddling. Generally her smile creates a kawaii overload in the kawaii receptors of your brain, weakening the toughest man's emotional defenses into that of a newborn puppy. ************* hmm.... most of these are true. what do you think???

this isn't fair

here i am stuck in a position where it is my responsibility to take care of my dad in some way. i need to find him a ride home from my uncle's house. the first person who said they'd do it, just backed out because it would ruin their plans. i understand that reasoning, but my only argument is why did you say yes in the first place? because you're too nice is not an excuse. you agreed to do it, thus you need to follow through or find a replacement. but instead i'm left doing it. it's my responsibility in the first place, and that's the thing it shouldn't have to be. the burden of taking care of my dad is really getting to me. i just want to be 23 years old. not 23 and taking care of a 48 year old teenager with a disability. that may sound selfish, but i'm doing the best i can. i don't think others see the sacrifices i'm making. some people don't agree that the burden of taking care of my dad should fall on me. but he doesn't have anyone else really. my grandparents are old and need to take care of themselves, plus they do the best they can to help. my aunts and uncles have their own families to take care of. and they also help out when they can. yes, i'm limited in that ii don't drive or have a car. my dad cannot drive right now, plus he has no car right now either. so i have to make arrangements with the closest person to me. i wish they would see how much i appreciate the things they do for me when it comes to running errands for my dad or myself. my dad also appreciates them very much as well, he may not express to their face all the time, but he does. he tells me he does. i don't like being put in the middle. having to defend a person who goes back on an arrangement they make. i look bad, they look bad, and it still doesn't solve the problem of how my dad is going to get home tonight. this isn't fair. i don't do anything wrong and i feel like i'm being shit on by two very important people in my life. one getting bitter because they have to do something they don't want as a favor to me and my dad, then going back on it. the other my dad who will get pissed off that they changed their mind and i thus have to defend that they had plans of their own this evening, but my dad too full of pride to listen. this is fucking bullshit!!!! i sometimes wish i could leave here, escape, get a new name, and disappear. GOD I NEED YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER! PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO CONTINUE ON IN THIS SITUATION YOU HAVE PUT ME IN RIGHT NOW. GIVE ME THE KNOWLEDGE TO KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO RIGHT NOW. FREE ME FROM THIS CONSTANT STRUGGLE. BLESS MY FATHER SO HE CAN TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF AGAIN. HELP ME HELP ME HELP, PLEASE LORD WILL YOU JUST HELP ME!

another week gone by..

ooops i haven't written in this thing a few days. well here is day one of my 3 day weekend off from work. it's nice having a job where there are many people to fill the weekend hours. but sadly, i waste my weekends. i don't do very much. the spark is having a live recording tonight, and i was debating if i really wanted to go to that tonight, but a part of me rather stay at home. i have a lot to do around here anyway. tomorrow night, i may hang out with some friends. basically a YAM group for living light church. i was invited by an old friend. speaking of which, i had coffee with rachel cui earlier this week. which was awesome! she's a great friend and we always have a lot of laughs when we have our "catch-up dates" :) i miss going out on girlfriend dates. i find that a lot of my girlfriends are soo busy nowadays. i need to manage my time better. God has granted me this extra time right now, and i'm not using it wisely. i'm filling it with sleep or tv. well, i guess since i'm no longer in school, the next thing i can invest in is getting my license and a car/moped. i think that would help my situation a lot better. well, i better get started on these chores if i do decide to go tonight.

care group

so care group was awesome tonight! it was our second week which meant we were still getting to one another. but i found this week very encouraging. things made sense and the words i received were what i needed to hear. i found that i'm not the only one dealing with the particular struggles i'm in right now. i'm excited for what this care group will do in my life. and i can't wait for next week :)

in a blah type of mood

well now that the 2nd day off of work (out of 3) for me is about to end, i don't have much to show for it. i spent all day yesterday in my room watching season 3 of heroes. today me and beau did some running around, but nothing note worthy of being productive. tomorrow i have church and i'm planning on making dinner, so that will be nice. i was supposed to make dinner tonight, come to find out my uncle danny was over and him and my dad were watching football and eating hot wings. so there went that. i feel really lost on what i'm supposed to do now. i'm still looking for a 2nd and even 3rd job to fill time and the income shortage this household is now in. but until that happens, i'm bored. i'm all done with school and it feels weird to not be anticipating going back in a week or so. i'm happy i'm done, but it's like, school has been my life for the last 18 years, now what? get a job right? again, easier said than done. most of my friends have full time jobs or school, so i don't get out much. i hate leaving my house when i have no plans though, just in case my dad needs me. and sadly my house provides too many stupid distractions for me to do anything productive or of use. i have care group on monday nights now which i'm very thankful for. and exploring christianity starts soon too, which will occupy my wednesday nights. it's just once again, i'm in a rut, but this time. it's not of my own making and unfortunately this time, i can't will myself out without leaving my dad. and i can't do that. God has been pouring his grace over me through this time, but i think the reality of me not being able to escape this situation right now is finally settling in, and i'm feeling blah. not depressed or angry or even really sad, just blah..... i don't even know if this makes sense. sometimes i wish i was more disciplined with things..... it's all a matter of wanting to be so. and the recognition of not being lazy anymore. that's a really hard thing to do when you always feel exhausted.

an update from yesterday

okay, first i would like to apologize for how brash and harsh i may have sounded on my last post. i was angry at the time. i do understand that the advice i was given came from a place of love and care for me and my soul. i only got upset because it was advice that was not asked or needed right now. my feelings were that i have enough on my mind right now, why are we bringing this up to? i don't take back what i said, but how it may have come off. what i said was true - that's how i feel sometimes. and i don't like it. thank you to those friends who offered support, i appreciate your understanding. i guess the bottom line is that my walk with christ, is just that, mine. and i'm still learning and growing and trying to change things in my life. i ask that you please don't expect me to change soo much all at one time, that i can't handle. i'm strong enough to deal with the things that are affecting me. i just need time. and frankly, though i know it comes from a place of love and care for me, i don't want advice right now. because when i don't ask for it, then choose not to follow that advice, i feel like i'm being a disappointment to the one who gave it, and i'm being judged or mistrusted by the one who gave it. i'm stubborn, very stubborn. that is one of the things i pray that god will change about me. and until i can get over my sense of self sufficient stubbornness, everything else will unfortunately take a back seat. but please, no worries, have faith in me and patience. thank you

angry and awake at 4am

i don't like feeling this pressure. i hate that i can be manipulated into things so easily. even by myself. i confuse myself and when i get down to do i just end up making things worse. why is it that since i became a christian, certain people in my life expect me to be perfect right away?? i'm supposed to completely forget who i was and what i liked and go for total christ likeness. i understand that that's the big goal for all christians, but i'm a new believer! and yes my ego is still in the way. and i pray to god every day to help me get rid of my pride. but why does this have to apply to people i love??? it says in the bible that we "aren't" supposed to be in a love relationship with a non-christian, but why not? aren't we supposed to salt and light of the world? what kind of message am i sending by ending a relationship for the reason that you're not a christian sorry good bye!? i'm sorry but i can't do that. i refuse to give up on people! i love him very much and i do believe that one day he will come around. that requires faith!! i have faith in him! now some people may be thinking that my relationship is hindering my relationship with christ. i am not denying christ and i am a christian! i believe that god is directing my path and right now i don't see that path leading away from my relationship. my focus is on my dad right now. on finding a new/second/better job right now. on the fact that i'm finished with school and just want to take a deep breath and slow down for once. i am not open about my relationship with beau to my christian friends for the honest reason of that i am afraid of what they'll think, their judgement on me. and then i realized that the only judgement i need to worry about is from god. and when i face him and he asks me why i wanted to stay in my relationship, i'll tell him the truth: i have faith in beau. he has a good heart and i believe he will one day turn to christ. and i will do all that i can to help him. don stayed with me and look what happened, i was saved. i can't predict the future, only god knows. some people believe that i am hindering beau's relationship with christ by giving him a false sense of what christ teaches. and i'll admit that this does worry my heart. there are things in our relationship i'd like to change. but i won't preach to him and push him away further. that's not what beau needs. and if i leave beau's life, then he won't have any christian influences in his life, because i know he will withdraw from his current christian friends. (beau - if i'm wrong, correct me) again, what has been weighing on my heart the last few months is that I MYSELF haven't been honest to who i am! ME! i feel like i'm two different people. i'm church jamie and then i'm everyday jamie. and beau has nothing to do with that. that is my own insecurity getting the best of me. believing that friends will judge me and not want to be around me if they saw that i am still very crass, rude, selfish, perverted, arrogant, and proud. but i'm human which makes me a sinner, which is why i'm so glad i have jesus in my life. as a new believer at my age in my circumstances, it takes a bit longer for holy spirit to make drastic changes to our personality. and i am open for those changes when they occur. and you can't deny that some changes have already occurred. but i'm tired of feeling guilty. jesus poured down his loving, forgiving grace on me so i didn't have to feel this way. and i feel myself changing. i feel myself longing to become closer to god. that's why i joined a church and signed for a care group and am participating in exploring christianity and trying to spend more time in the word. beau is not a distraction. granted i won't get spiritual support from him, but i can get that from other people. i live with my dad and he's a non-believer! and he's made it apparent that he thinks i've been brainwashed. at least beau is willing to hear my thoughts, though he may not agree with them. he is happy for my spirituality. there are plenty of christians who are with non-christians out there. the bottom line is that we are all sinners! and i am tired for having to defend my "sinful" relationship! i don't even know where beau and i stand as of tonight. but i love him and right now i don't feel god directing me away from him. i feel my friends directing me away from him. i feel my head being guilted into doing something that my heart is not okay with. i don't know what tomorrow brings. i can't predict the future. i tried for a long time. but now i'm letting God take control. if god wants us apart he will make it that way. i understand people are concerned. and that they think their past experiences are the same as mine. but i'm sorry they're not. most of my friends have been brought up in christian homes, been christians most of their lives. i'm a NEW believer and all this pressure i'm getting to change and be perfect is pissing me off!!! i recognize that i have to change and again, i have in some ways. other ways it's going to take a little bit longer. people may think i'm wearing the crown over my own head right now, and i may be. but i will answer for that one day. have faith in me friends, please! trust me! you are welcome to be concerned, but until you've walked a mile in my shoes, you can't tell me how to live my life. only god can do that. i don't know any one of my friends that are christian that were saved in their twenties. if there is someone out there like that, TELL ME! because maybe you can help me relate to what i'm going through. because right now, circumstances are very different! there are only 4 people on this earth that know me very well, and i mean intimately well: beau, gail, dan b, kristal k. i'm pretty sure all of them were quite shocked to hear that i became a christian, and that's because they KNEW ME knew me before i was saved. come to think of it, i don't think i've ever completely opened up to a christian friend for fear of judgement..... i don't like that. i'm sorry if this hurts some people's feelings. but some things are just easier said when not face to face. i told myself i was going to be completely honest with myself from now on. and i've done just that. i'm tired of letting myself get influenced. i need patience from my christian friends, please that's all i ask... patience. quit expecting so much from me!

i have a lot.....

to think about........ *sigh*

busy sunday

had a pretty good day today. woke up and went to church. i love listening to mike bullmore preach. he makes sense of a lot of things. applies God's word to our every day life and really makes you think. and whether you are religious or not, mike says things that can relate to everyone. don't base your life on meaningless possessions and stuff; don't idolize things are not worthy of praise (i.e. american idol); let sunday be the day of the rest and worship (whether that may be in your case) like it's supposed to be. after church beau and i went to red robin to celebrate our friend andy's birthday. it was a lot of fun! i feel like i don't get out of my house with friends much, so i appreciate little get togethers like that. after that beau and i ran some errands, went to his house where he cleaned his room and eventually i kicked his ass in mario cart 64 :P then came home to finish making dinner: chipotle and lime chicken with potatoes. it was pretty good, but if i make it again i'm going to cook a little differently. now i'm blogging and beau is cataloging movie ideas. nothing too exciting. i got into a care group!!! finally, i feel like i've been waiting forever! and God could not have provided a better time for me to be in a care group. He really does provide so well! i'm a part of paul and susan brown's care group and i'm excited to meet them and the other members of my new group. i'm praying that God will use this opportunity to help strengthen my relationships with other people and with His son Jesus Christ. They always say that the best thing for newer believers is to be around other believers, so i'm really excited! i made a goal for myself (not a resolution) to spend a part of every day in God's word, and so far i'm failing miserably. i don't know why i don't just pick up and read. time is not an issue. i guess it comes down to my commitment, and really need to to buckle down and commit myself to being the type of christian i want to be. i can pray for help, sure, but it all comes down to me doing it. God won't answer me if i don't seek the answers He gives me. duh jamie!!! in other news... my wonderful mother took me grocery shopping last night. i've never really appreciated my mother as much as i have in the past 2 years or so. i think that has to do with our past relationship and the fact that we just didn't have one up until then. i think my mom is truly trying to make an effort with me now to make up for past mistakes, and i am more than willing to oblige. i mean it's my mom, i love her. she has done a lot for me and my dad lately, and i can't thank her enough :) i applied at starbucks, the old store i used to work at. i doubt i'll get hired back though since a.) i got fired and b.) it's slow right now and i doubt they are hiring, but we will see. i'm going to go into southern lakes credit union tomorrow morning because i saw the are looking for a part time teller, and it's real close to my house. i just need a second job and hopefully God will provide me with one soon. well, i guess that's all the updates i have right now. good night everyone :)

lazy sunday... well saturday actually...

finally rolled out of bed at 10:40am. went to bed last night around 10:30pm so i got about 12 hours of 'sleep'..... grrrr..... effing mattress!!! i don't know what i'm going to do today. i'm watching season 2 of heroes right now. beau is at work. my uncle danny is over hanging out with my dad. pretty boring afternoon. when beau gets home i'm going to see if he's willing to take me to some places to fill out applications. there's bound to be something in this town. i have to put more of an effort out there. ugh...... have to make an effort. God is providing a way jamie, just see it! seek it!!

another day in the land of snow

well today was an okay day. woke up and shoveled which sucked, but then beau woke up and finished for me :) we have a snow blower, but we don't know how to use it... haha.... dad came down stairs and started making breakfast, of which i joined in and made eggs and toast for myself and beau bear. work was really boring and slow, but my shift was only 4 hours long so it was tolerable. came home and dad and i made dinner, chicken and cheese egg rolls with carrot rice. we threw it together with what we had in the cupboards. it was pretty good actually :) so the money situation sucks. family has been more than helpful in providing groceries, but frankly we can always get food. it's the bills that we are worried about. the energy bill, the mortgage, the phone, dad's medical bills, and bills of my own. not to mention there are things we need. dad needs a new chair. with his back he needs something that will support him comfortably. plus we both need at least a new mattress. his bed is soo sunken in the middle he sleeps in his chair. and i wake up every morning with my back, neck, and or shoulders hurting. plus we both wake up tired, that just sucks! money is always a touchy subject with people too, and i understand why. worries arise with repayment and sadly, my dad and i are in no position to do that. lame! my church has helped me out already, and i have to meet with tom again so he can try and lower my interest rates on some of my credit cards. i do appreciate that, don't get me wrong. God has definitely provided a financial relief in a small way. sadly though it's just not enough and now i feel like i'm being selfish and not appreciating what God has provided thus far. but i do! i really do! realistically though money is a major issue at my house. i'm applying for jobs again. i need a full time job or another part time job. sears is good, but i only get 25 hours a week now and at minimum wage. i sunk low and applied at starbucks for a store manager job in Evanston, and i'm going to apply at my old store as a barista or a shift supervisor. whatever i can get really. i just need a job that can bring more income into the house. sears is literally the only source of income for our house right now, and it just isn't cutting it :( grr..... money matters get me soo frustrated!!! i have to remember to trust God's plan for me and have faith in Him!

a wasted afternoon

i'm sitting here in the living room, because beau is taking a nap in my room. we were supposed to be taking a nap together, however, i was worried i'd get more tired. i'm irritated because i have to work in less than an hour. why are we even open?? my store doesn't get business anyway really, especially my department. who is honestly going to come out and buy a mattress set in this weather?? i'm going to be so bored. i hate days like this. the snow makes it almost impossible to get anything done. and the fact that i work at 2pm till close takes a large chunk of my day away. lame. i had yesterday off, which was nice. i was able to clean the kitchen and living room before my dad came home. i'm glad he's home :) he is still in a lot of pain and we have no answers as to when or even how he will recover from this if at all. but i try to remain optimistic. i keep reminding myself that God has a plan and i need to trust Him completely. last night was really fun. went to christi and lauren's for lauren's belated birthday dinner. lots of laughs and fun :) i wish i could things like that more often. just have a night out or in with the girls. i really want to build up my friendships with the ladies in my life. i've never really had close girl friends that have lasted for an extended period of time. people always move away or we just lose touch. i need to make more of an effort. well beau's computer is about to die and i need to get ready for work. again, lame.

First entry

so this is my first entry for this blog. i've never really had a blog before. the idea to create one came from a conversation beau and i had the other night. we discussed how when each have written diaries, journals, blogs, or notes (facebook) they generally seem to be mostly negative. and i starting asking myself why? well i guess i deduced that i generally have negative notes due to the fact that i have a more need to express bad emotions than good ones. like when you eat something gross, you need to get that bad taste out of your mouth and once it's gone, you feel better. well, despite that being true for my past experiences with open outlets like this, i decided to create a blog that not only would be home to bad days and experiences, but good ones as well. basically just a daily record or my dealings everyday. i'm going to be completely honest with myself. so that way i can hopefully look back at this and possibly learn something. this blog is more for myself than for anyone else, but viewers are more than welcome to comment on anything they read here. whether or not i take advice seriously will depend on whether or not i know you. but i'm not wanting this blog to be an advice seeker. more of just a diary for myself that happens to be able to be viewed by many. i guess i should note that because this is a personal blog, curse words will probably pop up as well as subject matters that have never been discussed with friends. again, i'm doing this for me. so all i ask is your respect if and when you choose to leave a comment. that's if anyone reads this thing anyway...